There are certain things that go on in my life, that I do not post on this blog for personal reasons. Things like he said she said, trivial disagreements, bouts of depression and frustrations. Things which may seem of little worth to the casual passer-by, but to me they are a sordid reminder of my failings as a human, and subsequently my failings as a Christian.
I'm ashamed to say that I have been ashamed of God before. Even now, the part of me that functions on cold logic denies my utter surrender to Him, because I'm in the middle of a debate within myself and I'm afraid taking sides would result in an unfair verdict.
I regularly have to take my God-centric mindset out and put in one which imagines a world without God, scary as that thought is. But who knows if my faith is nothing substantial in the first place? What if it's just an outward expression of a deeper, unexplained yearning inside? I pondered this question in Church this Sunday.
Am I just using God as my security blanket, so that my fears will be assuaged? Is He just an emotional fix, so that I can live out the majority of my life worry-less and care-less?
I came to the conclusion that I had to see how my relationship with Him reflects my relationship with people. And if that's the case, no wonder I've got Him all wrong.
Now let me digress for a bit.
This Sunday was a happy culmination of circumstance. Met up with the unlikeliest of people in church, namely Eric (the wolfman), Yao Zhong, Adeline , Ryan and Nick. The Boeys came with their parents; Yao Zhong led here by May, and Eric himself dropped by after his undang test was over. Lucky or what?
Later me and Eric said goodbye to Adeline and adjourned for lunch with May and YZ, and after that we split up, YZ and May to Singapore, Eric and me to go window shopping at Jusco.
* * * * * *
When I was young(er), I used to get so tied up over why a certain person would deliberately dislike me for no apparent reason. As far as I knew, my conscience was clear; I did not do anything to merit such animosity to myself. It was only a few painful months later that I learnt a hard lesson; that people would be enemies just because of their differences.
However, there is another kind of enmity, and that is when one has wronged the other party to such an extent that the incident will always be scarred in their memories, regardless of whether the deed is forgiven.
And that is much, much worse.
It's all too obvious, from your body language, that the memory of my stupidity still lurks under the surface. For once, I'm listening to what a girl is NOT saying, and I hear as loud as a bell that you've given up on us ever having a chance together. I've made my mistake. I've paid the price. No doubt you would be better off with him; after all, he seems to really care for you, and I honestly hope he is less self-centric than I am. I wish you two all the best.
I have resumed my periodic trawling of new clothes for Chinese Niu Year...finally got to try on a pair of skinnies and a matching converse, but after much strained negotiation with the mirror decided that skinnies weren't really my thing after all.
Isn't that just predictably ironic? =_=
Later we went down to chow at Toastbox while waiting for the wolfman's mum.
Met someone new there by the name of Tiffany, and turns out she knew me way before we even met, back at Seri Perling. Apparently my english accent is somewhat of a curio back there.
So anyway we fell to talking, the three of us, but kesian the wolfman was also a banana so half the time he couldn't understand what we were saying. Too bad for him. Hehe.
From this incident, its amazing how small our world really is. And I don't mean small in the usual sense. When people hear 'small world' they think
"Huh, everyone's interconnected, we've got planes and boats and cars, there's nothing unknown in this world anymore."If you think about it though, not really. It's more like our world is very self-contained, meaning that its more like a series of circles of friends that radiate out from you, geopolitically speaking, until everyone really is interconnected.
Unless that's what everyone thought it meant all along. Which just goes to show I've been a self-deluded fool.
I wonder if that's true for my amateur philosophizing as well?
