In any self-book on how to deal with people, there is inevitably a chapter (or at least a section) that tells you what to do when you're caught on the horns of a furious argument.
And of those, they advise the first thing you need to do is to stay perfectly calm and composed.
Unless you want to get a tape recorder first to immortalize anything that can be defined as slander and sue the other party for a sizeable profit, of course.
Otherwise, most of the time they'll ask you to act as though you're discussing the weather over a cuppa at Starbucks instead of, say, going at it hammer and thongs over who has to take out the garbage next.
Because according to them psychobabble blokes, calming down when you're in a heated discussion not only lets you regain sense discarded, but it also allows the other party some breathing space to calm down as well....Thus allowing both parties to talk it out normally and reach a mutually beneficial conclusion so everybody's happythankyougoodday~
But, as I find in most cases, the effect of looking/speaking/acting calmly (or otherwise exuding an aura of Zen) makes for an entirely different response. Meaning, when you're arguing with someone and your general demeanour approximates towards that of a sedated slug, they actually get more incensed. A sort of positive feedback, if you will.
(That's biology for you. Still can't forget that crap, however hard I try =.=)
An effect I'd like to call Maddening Serenity.
Our good friend Mr. O. E. Dick says:
- Maddening/(root: mad)/adj. An action (in word or deed) that makes sb. extremely angry: An itch on one's body that you can't seem to locate and appease is perfectly maddening. SYN enrage, infuriate, aggravate (inf), vex, irk, inflame, etc.
- Serenity/(root:serene)/noun [U,sing.]. The state of being calm and peaceful: Achieving peace and serenity through yoga is akin to finding one's Quantum of Solace...without the intense gunfights and bans by a small intensely nationalistic nation in Soth-East Asia. SYN peace, tranquility, etc.
Thus, the definition of Maddening Serenity can be defined as:
The state of being calm and peaceful that makes sb. extremely angry. [AdjN]
OR, in this context, talking so calmly and matter-of-factly that you sound as though you're explaining 1 + 1 = 2 to a three-year-old, thus belittling the other party's mental capacities and generally pissing them off.
For eg. :
Scenario:
You and your brother are sitting down watchin TV. It's your favorite show--in fact, it's everyone's fave show, including your bro--when suddenly it goes to commercial. It being the greatest show on earth, you're willing to endure patiently through the mind-numbing TV ads until it comes on again. But your dearest brother has other ideas.
You: Oy!
Bro: What?
You: What'd you change the channel for?Bro: Why not?
You: I was watching that!
Bro: You were? Oh, sorry. *changes back*
AHEM. (Eh, wrong log.)
Scenario:
You're and your sister are sitting down watchin TV. It's your favorite show--in fact, it's everyone's fave show, including your sis--when suddenly it goes to commercial. It being the greatest show on earth, you're willing to endure patiently through the mind-numbing TV ads until it comes on again. But your dearest sister has other ideas.
You: Oy!
Sis : What?You: What'd you change the channel for?
Sis : Why not?
You: I was watching that!Sis : So?
You: So? Change it back!
Sis : Why should I?
You: Because if you tarry too long we'll miss the greatest show on earth when it comes back on again!
Sis : No we won't, commercials take like 5 minutes to run anyway.
You: We will!
Sis : Won't.
You: Will!
Sis : Won't.
You: WILL.
Sis : Won't, 'cos I know when to change back.
You: Really.
Sis : Yes.
You: No you don't!
Sis : I do.
You: You don't!
Sis : Do.
You: Don't! Change it back!
Sis : Oh, okay.
... *nothing happens*
You: Joo hear what I said? Change it back!
Sis : What?
You: I said change it back!
Sis : What? You just told me not to change it back.
You: What?! I never said that!
Sis : Yes, you did....Just now. You said: "Don't! Change it back!"
You: But--Sis : Don't tell me you didn't say that. *smug*
You: Yeah, but-- *splutters*Sis : Yes?
You:I said--
Sis : Uh-huh?
You: I--Arggh! *makes strangling motions in the air while bro looks on in amusement*
Ok, so based on that lengthy example (COMPLETELY fictional, I might add) You can see how the Sis is employing the tactic of Maddening Serenity, to great effect on the You.
IN conclusion: Acting calm and serene may not really work if you want to defuse a situation. (A suicide bombing, for instance)
HOWever, it's uber effective for driving people up the wall.
AND if you actually read through all that congrats, you deserve a cookie. =)
